2007

2007 was a long time ago.

Surely neither of us are the people we where back then.

Yet, why the heartbreak over the things we said and could never take back?

We started talking again in 2010. 

2012 was a long time ago. We stopped talking then.
2013 was only a year ago; you got married.

But I still remember the other times, your relationships failed out of some bizarre jealousy. Did you sabotage them, or did you never let go like I did?

2014, a few days ago, not that long ago.

So after not talking to me for about a year and a half, and being married, and living something like the life you always imagined for yourself, why let my actions dictate your emotions to such an extreme level?
For someone who loved me as much as you claimed to, you sure don't know me all that well. You sure have a strange way of showing it; Ultimatums and Isolation.

Dreams and Portents

Last night I dreamt of you again. You vanished for a while. But now you are back in my dreams. Which doesn't make sense. Things have changed. Things are far different from a year ago today. Yet in some weird way, things are exactly the same. 

I don't know I'm the bad guy.
It's just a good guess.
Because last year you were getting over another bad guy. 

I find myself wondering what degree things might have been exaggerated. I did read the medical report. I did see the trauma in and on you. 
But now? Am I the bad guy? Probably.
Probably, because I realize I know you much better than either of us thought.

I still have those photos I foolishly printed before we stopped talking all together. The photos I printed just before we stopped seeing each other in person.

Whatever dreams I have, if ever you should call me again, I don't think I could stand it.

I've done so well about not wondering; I stopped looking for omens, I stopped sifting through the back alley blog posts to see what you think. I haven't looked at all. Not since Mid-December. 

I've maintained strictest control when it comes to wondering about the people in my past who can still hurt me, even after this much time.

I'm doing better. I know I am. But I still have those days, when I'm just limping along.

The Observers Crisis

I am the observer; I pass unseen.
Everyone has a part, everyone has a story, and it is all happening, all the time.
I am the observer; I pass unseen. My face is a camera.
I record, I document, I remember, I reconfigure; I edit.
I am the observer; I pass unseen. My face is a camera. When you bother to see me.
When the lights go out, I set my camera down; who am I then?

I am the observer, and by my nature, I see the masks people wear.
The mask of the observer, is well worn.
Who can see behind the mask of the camera?
 I am the observer, and by my nature, I am a loner.
Some players try so hard to convince me the mask they wear, is the mask they are.
But I am the observer, I see the masks people wear.
It is all for naught if they can't see behind mine.

I am the observer, and this is my crisis.
How can I let anyone close to me?
How can I get close to anyone?
The basis of my crisis.

Poetry About Many Things, But One Thing Specifically.

Looking at the fragments of a mirror we used to know.
Piece together the on going tragedy.
Discover the destruction we Wrought.

Smile anyway.

Growing pains. Time to set aside the past and set about the future.

No More Heros

There are no more heroes anymore, since everyone has their own intentions, their own motivations, their own drives and needs, that subvert their purest attempts at doing the right thing.

There are no more heroes anymore, because they all get off on playing the hero. Doing the right thing for the wrong reason, is like doing the wrong things for the right reasons. In the end, it's just as confusing as doing the right things for the right reasons, and leaves you about as bewildered as before.

By my own declaration that there are no more heroes, I swear I will never look to secret journals to find the fragment of truth, that hide in the longest hour of night, the darkest hour of the heart and the darkest corners of consciousness.

Want 2014-01-12

I want to meet someone, who will help me believe in love again.